journal entry

so iFeel like im about to go into a stage of depression or something.


it really sux being a size 12/14 [sQueezing into a size 30] ... depending on who im wearing.


today iSat down w my friend Mel to eat some sushi, only to find out that my jeans ripped! WTF! and trust, they arent destroyed jeans where it wont matter if they rip... im tired of my thighs rubbing together!!! its not cool, iWant for my thighs to have that space in between them. you know. like the models have...







iWish iCld go back to the  10th grade when iLost all that weight after being in Nigeria... :(


like, iCant get no cute stuff in my size, its sooooooo depressing :(


iWish iWas skinny, iReally do


what hurts sometimes is how my dad even talks about my weight. does he really think iEnjoy being "fat"??? iPut fat in Quotes bcuzppl tell me im not fat, but thats NOT how iFeel.


iSuck in my stomach, just so ppl wont see the real size of it. not that its huge like a pregnancy type gut, but its gutty. just trust me.


and then theres the sides of my hips/waist :( theres this love handles that iHate w a passion! iCant wear certain things bcuz they show. not that iCANT wear them, iJust have enough self respect to NOT wear them. im def not those types of bigger girls that dont dress their size, iJust think thats the worst.


iAm going to the gym tho.


iJust have to be serious about a diet plan. iStill eat junk food. iMite not eat it AS MUCH, but trust that iHave at LEAST one if not two junk food items in a day...


im considering going veggie for the summer :( thats gonna be really hard for me, cuz iAlready dont enjoy the eating habits of vegetarians around me like my sis and friend... [oh wait, my bff Becks is vegetarian too now, at least iThink she is... but im in PA and she's back home :( ]


so what do iDo?????


im tryna move to LA sometime after iGraduate [c/o 2011]


and by the time iMove there, iWanna have my Cali beach body...


so far, iPlan on getting my brother's godbrother to train me this summer... 


but im feeling sooooo discouraged, that iWanna just get like a liposuction [or fat transfer] or something. funny thing is that you have to be a certain weight to be considered for those types of procedures [yet anyone can just walk into those cosmetic surgery places and mess themselves up like Heidi... thats another story tho]


which also reminds me that a couple weeks ago or so... iWent over my weight limit. iWont mention the number, im too embarassed. but thats when it hit me that fatness is not an option. its really not the body iWant to live in. well since then, i've dropped a couple lbs, but still, im not happy.


well, this was just a little bit of what goes on inside myself


if you care to give me some advice, i'd appreciate so much. thanx for tuning in, and reading


muawhz


*this all bcuz iWent [window] shopping and didnt like anything iTried on. they dont make very cute stuff for the bigger ppl :( iEnded up buying some tights im wearing to the gym 2moro