What it’s like to wear shorts when you’re fat:

• Just one step forward and you feel your fat all over your body jiggling.
• With every step you take, your thighs rub together, creating a burning sensation after only about 5 steps.
• It’s as disgusting as seeing yourself naked, because all you have to do is look down and see how fat you really are. 
• With every step you take you’re but fat smacks against your thigh fat, yeah, it does hurt a little. 
• Wearing shorts when your fat decreases your confidence even more.
• Seeing other people look good in shorts makes you hate your body more.
• Sitting down is beyond the worst, because now all your fat is spread out and exposed to the world.
• Barely any shorts that use to look half way decent, now look completely horrible on you, that’s IF you can get them on.
• It is hot out. You are hot. But you can’t get cool because you want to cover up your body.
• Now your belly fat isn’t just hanging over jeans, but now your shorts too, COME ON. And not to mention your thigh fat, poping out of the bottom part of your shorts… come on, really now?! And these shorts were BIG on you last year, now they barley zip.
• Shorts when you’re fat means bending over while wearing them without showing the world where you stash your crack will NOT be possible
• Tight shorts means, CAMEL TOE.
• Tight shorts means, nothing in your pockets, NOTHING. Not even folded cash.
• Tight shorts manage to turn a panty line into a canyon on your ass.
• Muffin top, muffin bottom. You look like and feel like you’re a giant, puffy muffin stuffed into a pair of tight-ass shorts.
• Walking for an hour in shorts, means having your thighs hurt from shaking and rubbing together so much.
• You have to walk with a waddle, because your thigh fat gets in the way of walking normally.
• You sit uncomfortably on the edge of the chair because your thigh fat will spread out if you don’t and you would end up looking like an elephant.
• Every step you take you have to pull the shorts back down because your fat thighs keep making them ride up.
• It’s hot out and your feeling hot because you have to stay covered up, so you can’t possibly cool down.
• What’s usually hidden under your jeans will be exposed through shorts.
• Chafing will be caused by that thigh fat rubbing together when you wear shorts.

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This is so depressing

I don't wear shorts, and I just had to highlight points that were about me.. I guess it's the real reason why I don't wear shorts, not only because of my parents, but because I'm too fat for them. [And honestly, idk how people bigger than me can bear to put them on! If I thought I looked ridiculous, what do they look like!]

That being said, I guess I'll post what I've seen on some people twitter bio and tumblr accounts. It's embarassing.

HW 211 CW ~* LW 136 GW 160 UGW 150

I'm embarassed to say what my current weight is, but just know that my HW is really bad, and this is after I talked with my doctor about losing weight, before I even hit 200lbs! Idk what happened with me, how've I've let myself go!

And what I hate is when my friends tell me that I'm not even that big, when my parents keep reminding me every time I come home, or when one of my best friends who was bigger than me is now losing to the point that she may be a size or two smaller than me! It really makes me cry on the inside, and sometimes I just feel like being anorexic, bulimic. Because I get mad at my body, how big I am, wishing that I was skinny, was smaller....


Welp, don't be surprised if I start going in, posting stuff about being skinny, losing weight, pics of skinny people and whatnot

This is supposed to be the summer I turn my body around.

Shadeism

I thought I'd post this video of a short documentary, because it's something I have a problem with... and that  is shadeism. Watching this video made me ask myself, Am I a "shadist" ?

For example I am more attracted to lighter skinned guys, even white guys, than dark skinned or brown skinned men. There is the occassional dark skinned guy that I find attractive, but in general, I don't pay them attention. My one friend sometimes makes fun of me for being racist against my own race [being that she loves a dark skinned guy, and I just don't], but it's not even like that [because  at the same time, she doesn't like light skinned guys, specifically because she says, they think they're "better than"], because I don't even go out of my way to associate only with all light skinned people over darker skinned people; after all, I myself am brown skinned. But I find my obsession crazy to the point that, I envision a future of having children that are NOT dark like me. [Isn't that wrong? Or is it just a "preference"?]

However, I do find myself having an innermost issue with skin color/shade. Like this: my mother is fair skinned, whereas my father is dark skinned. And I came out a brown baby from that mix. I'm one of five, and two of my brothers are light skinned, while my sister, other brother and I are all darker. [Maybe I should 'insert family photo here' lol] Most of my maternal family is light skinned, and my paternal side is mostly dark skinned. I've often wished that my skin was lighter; [I'll be quite honest, since it is MY blog]. Even to the point where, when I was entering into high school, my mother bought me Fair & Lovely fairness cream [see it in the video below]. Not that I asked for it, but I accepted it without any questions. Although I haven't used it for a while, because she stopped buying them when they got expensive... Why is it that I want to be a lighter complexion? Do I really think that being dark is ugly?

Anyways, several issues stem from this thing called shadeism, including being racist amongst your own race, such as lighter skinned people only choose to be with lighter skinned people [because they are "better"]. I see this everyday too, where often a group of lighter skinned girls always hang together, with no dark skinned girls, save for that ONE dark skinned girl. They see themselves as better looking, classier, prettier, BETTER than anyone darker than them. And it's not even only girls that do this, men do it too, to the point that they WON'T date/marry a darker skinned woman. This probably isn't always true, as some people may say that I am assuming; but I think it's actually quite true. You can even see it in social networking sites like Twitter, where people will tweet #teamlightskin, #teamredbone. I often roll my eyes, because I'm wondering, What does that mean? Are light skinned people supposed to be better?

I'm going to stop there, because this issue can be delicate, and all over the place. Peep the video.

shootin the breeeeeeeze

lol, so im tryna work on a lil photography skills =D


iRandomly shot a couple pics of the garden for the IES Center in Paris...

all the pics were point-and-shoot except for the last 3.. iSet it on some mode, and now iGotta try'n figure it out again!


im learning!


i'd really like to learn how to photo flowers/nature and stuff though... iThink its cool

Diner A La Tour Eiffel

so this past week, as part of my orietation program, we had dinner at the Eiffel Tower!!


And lemme tell you, IT WAS GOOD ;)

and of course, me enjoying my meal  =)

sigh.

So how much does my life suck rite now...

Im been crying, and walking all over JFK airport so much that my feet now hurt. Why is this? I lost my phone in the ladies restroom by Gate 34. I can even say that someone stole my phone.

How did this happen you say? Well would you believe it, I was washing my hands and set my phone on the counter, wiped my hands and started heading towards Gate 8, to wait for my flight to Paris. I rounded the corner, after a long walk, to find gates 1-18[?] and I stopped to check the time, only to find out that I couldn’t FIND my phone! This is the first time I've left my phone in such a public setting! Its one thing to leave your phone at your friends house, but I forgot it in the bathroom at JFK int'l aiport! WTFF! What was wrong w me???? I asked myself over and over. How cld I be so absentminded to lose my phone!

I rushed back to the restroom, saw the indian ppl I was sitting nxt to on the plane… I wonder if they saw me leave my phone? I went back in the bathroom, and my phone was not there. I started panicking. How is anyone gonna reach me? What am I gonna do? How cld I have been so stupid as to forget my phone in there?!?!?!? Where was my head at?!?!?

I had this attendant make an announcement to find out if anyone had my phone; no success. I called my dad, then my mom, they didn’t answer. I really started crying.

I've left two voicemails trying to see if whoever has my phone will give it to me at my Gate…

I filed a police report for my missing phone…

I continued calling myself hoping, just hoping that this female wld pick up :(

I called my dad again, and he answered. I started balling, and telling him that my phone was gone, he didn’t even understand me. Told me to calm down. Said he saw my first calls, and it touched him that it mite be me… he tried calling back, but the number wldnt go through.

So my dad told me to see if I cld buy a new phone, here or in Paris… im surprised that my dad didn’t start yelling at me. That’s sooo his nature when someone does something foolish… he said as long as I have everything else, I shld just keep em safe…

WHY ME.

Flight to JFK

So we rode in this lil airplane to NY. And never in my life have I had a flight like it. I was scared. As. Shit.

Yes, I had to be oh so blunt.

I had to close my eyes too, not only cuz I havent gotten much sleep In the past couple days, but also bcuz I just didn’t wanna  see/hear what I was flying in/above.

I was so scared, and I've never been scared of flying! I've been on airplanes since I was ten! Flown thousands of miles, several hrs before and wass never scared like so. Omg, like I really was afraid that we were gonna crash/fall, cuz that’s what it felt like to me… smh

Wow. I don’t think I've ever been so scared in my life. I hope that come july 9, when im flyin back to DC that the flight will not be like that again.

Ima need for them to put me on a bigger plane, cuz I did NOT feel safe at ALL.

NEXT TIME: I will NOT be flying American Airlines, esp not one of their small planes. Please put me back with Air France, at least I feel safe w them...

So, I'm posting the things i jotted down while traveling to France, because i didnt have the internet!!!!!

Ok. Its official. This WILL  BE the last time I fly American Airlines, both continental and international. This company is the WORST. They don’t even have tvs on the back of each seat! Yeah, im stickin to Air France. AIR FRANCE all the way for me… their planes are lil as sh*t smh.

I will not be booking another American Airlines flight again. And hopefully, I don’t get scared this time either…

Well, lemme read my new book/magazines

Prep Yourself for Greatness

Just thought I'd post a link to a little blog post on nnamdinwoke.com . Thought it might be a little bit helpful to those who are starting to pursue a life of greatness!

The article isn't much, but it's a start to what a couple things you'll need to use to achieve such a status...

enjoy and comment on the post HERE.

Pt I: Why Are Girls So Stupid...

Why are girls so stupid for love? That’s my only question.

I know girls who waste their time, money and their emotions on guys that will never amount to what they will need in life.

Sometimes I consider myself one of those girls that was stupid in "love".

Take for example, I have a friend who is dating this guy who is younger than her. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with dating a younger guy [even thought there are the downfalls of that. But that’s another issue]. I don’t wanna call them out, so I'll make up some names for them. Sara and Carlos. Maybe I shld start from the beginning of Sara and Carlos' "love affair".

journal entry

so iFeel like im about to go into a stage of depression or something.


it really sux being a size 12/14 [sQueezing into a size 30] ... depending on who im wearing.


today iSat down w my friend Mel to eat some sushi, only to find out that my jeans ripped! WTF! and trust, they arent destroyed jeans where it wont matter if they rip... im tired of my thighs rubbing together!!! its not cool, iWant for my thighs to have that space in between them. you know. like the models have...